What Can I Do To Help My Son Get Over His Extreme Shyness?
Q. "How can I help my 7 year old son? He is so shy that he hardly talks to anyone other than family members".
A. Although some children are, by nature, slow to warm up, that does not mean that they cannot overcome their fears and anxieties. The trick is to start from where they are at, and build from success to success.
Find activities which he can enjoy and succeed in. The more he sees himself as being good at things, the more confidence he will have - and also the more he will have to talk about. If these activities involve other people all the better. Don't force him to go, but don't let him off the hook too easily either. Many kids refuse to go to things even when they know they will love it when they get there!
Plan some social situations that will turn out to be learning experiences. Start slowly, and build on each one. One example might be, going to a movie with a friend. They can enjoy the experience together but don't have to engage in conversation. Movies are almost always fun.
Start with familiar structured activities with few people. As he gains confidence in being and interacting with people, then set up more challenging situations. Always set them at a level at which he will succeed, and quit while it is going well! The everyone will want to do it again.
Make sure these social occasions involve activities that he likes. If he likes computer games, invite some friends (one for the first time, then more) to come over and play them together. They will start talking about the games as they play.
When it's time to visit adults, tell them about your son's latest adventures playing the computer game. Let him be the one to correct you about any details. Hopefully, he'll become engaged and start talking about some of the high points for him. You can even clue the adults in ahead of time about things to ask him.
If he won't respond, don't make excuses for him and never force him to talk. Let him talk, or not talk, as he chooses, and then live with the consequences of his choice. However, you will have more success in getting him to talk if you draw him into conversations with open ended questions such as "How did Mario get lost in the Mansion in the first place?". Avoid putting him on the spot with closed questions that demand a one word answer, or that are about subjects he dislikes or finds difficult.
It will take time, but your son will find confidence in talking and being around people. Gradually, he'll take more chances and talk about things he isn't so sure of. If you help him to make talking fun, then he'll do it more. Conversely, if it's hard or embarrasses him, then he'll do it less.
Finally, don't call him "shy". The more he hears you say this, the more convinced he will be that that is just how he is and that he cannot change. In time he might even use this as an excuse: "I can't do that - I'm too shy!" Instead, emphasise his positive qualities - his gentleness, kindness, politeness etc.
It will take a while, but if you keep being positive with him, he will come out of his shell.
Dr. Noel Swanson writes frequently for Yes Parenting website and also has a free newsletter on children's behavior problems.
This article is available as a unique content article with free reprint rights.
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